SHIDDUCH GUIDE PART II
With the kind permission of the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation, we will be posting the CCHF's Shidduch Guide which includes the halachos of divulging private and sensitive information for shidduch-purposes. For specific questions or situations, consult a Rav to ensure that this sensitive matter is dealt with in a Halachically correct manner.
Shidduch Guide PART II
The following articles have been written by Rabbi Moshe Mordechai Lowy, Rav of Agudath Yisrael of Toronto and the posek in Toronto for halachic inquiries concerning Shmiras Haloshon. Articles were approved for halachic accuracy by HaRav Hillel Zaks, Shlita.
Day #7
One must also take into consideration the personality of the person who is answering the inquiry. From what perspective is he making his assessment? And, one must keep in mind the other party in the shidduch. Someone who is impatient with slowness, for instance, will not be a problem for a partner whose personality leans toward thinking and acting quickly. Therefore, whenever one is unsure, he or she should consult a rav.
By no means does a shidduch inquiry open the door for any and all types of information to flow back and forth among the concerned parties.
Day #8
3 Categories of Information
CATEGORY #1: Objective, Essential Information
Objective, essential information falls under the category of “Do not stand aside as your fellow's blood is being shed.” This means that as long as the five rules of Toeles are met, this information must be repeated. On the other hand, most people are driven to give too much negative information in the mistaken belief that all information falls under this category of “Do not stand aside as your fellow's blood is being shed.”
One must be aware that withholding negative information does not always violate the negative commandment of “Do not stand aside as your fellow's blood is being shed.” The only faults addressed by this negative commandment are those detrimental to establishing a Jewish home, a happy marriage and a wholesome relationship. Such issues as seriously flawed character traits, immodesty or a lack of religious commitment and definite health or emotional problems rise to that level. Category #1 information must be volunteered even if you are not asked.
(We apologize for missing Day #9 - and hope to post it later on)
Day #10
Firsthand or Secondhand Information
The first way to categorize information is to consider whether it stems from personal knowledge or is based on something one has heard from someone else. The Torah sees secondhand information as possibly inaccurate and is therefore, a potentially dangerous source.
When and how to divulge secondhand information
There are instances however, in which one possesses secondhand information that is serious in nature and relevant to a couple's future together. In such a case, the Torah requires that one expend time and effort to verify the truth of the information for oneself. The prohibition against “standing aside while your fellow’s blood is being shed” means that it is essential to check out and report information that, once revealed, could present serious problems in a marriage.
Day #11
Sources of Information
If, for some reason, it is impossible to verify the second hand information, and all five conditions of relaying information have been met, one should convey it with a clearly expressed warning that it is based on hearsay and one does not know personally whether it is true.
Information gained from one's own personal experience is the ideal type of information to give. However, even this cannot be given without careful consideration. Even with firsthand knowledge, one must analyze the source of one's impressions. Are they based on a long-term acquaintance or a first impression? A recent encounter or one five years ago?
Day #12
Opinion, Fact or Armchair Psychology
The Torah urges the utmost caution in delivering one's opinion of another. Labels such as “unfriendly” and “disorganized” can be based on little factual evidence and yet, can and do exert enormous power in derailing a shidduch. However, character assessments are certainly important and useful, especially if a person is looking for a spouse that possesses a certain type of personality trait, for instance, someone who is outgoing and social, or serious, or warmhearted.
The Chofetz Chaim stressed emphatically that the habit of labeling people and disclosing those labels to others does immeasurable harm. Instead, one must develop the habit of reporting facts without rendering judgments or labels.