BIKUR CHOLIM—SENSE & SENSITIVITY

Courtesy of Mishpacha Magazine

Rachel Bachrach of Mishpacha Magazine interviewed Rabbi Paysach Krohn, the producer of Sense and Sensitivity, a DVD about the mitzvah of Bikur Cholim. The DVD is being distributed free by Rabbi Krohn and Chesed 24/7 (845-354-2627), which provides services to the sick, elderly, and developmentally disabled.

How did you get involved in producing a bikur cholim DVD?

My son-in-law, Chananya Kramer of Kol Rom Multimedia, and I had put out several DVDs about some trips I led to Europe, so people who couldn’t go could experience it vicariously, and others about reciting meah brachos, the wonders of the miraculous human body, and more.  Those DVDs were so successful, we realized it’s a tremendous vehicle to reach people.  We said, ”What mitzvah can we talk about that’s pertinent to children and adults?” and we realized that nebach, in every age you have people who are ill, so bikur cholim is a good one.

Is there anything one should do to prepare before visiting someone?

Never go unless you’ve announced you’re coming and asked if you’re welcome.  Three reasons: First, if someone is in pain, even if you have the best intentions, they still don’t want you there.  Second, some people are sensitive about how they look in a hospital gown or they just don’t feel presentable and want time to get ready. Third, sometimes cholim are frightened, and they only want to be with family.  I recently had two procedures, and at certain times, I wanted only my wife and children present.

What are common mistakes people make?

Make the visit short, don’t overstay—not more than 20 minutes, unless the choleh asks you to stay longer.  Cholim are exhausted, mentally and physically.  What was it Benjamin Franklin said?  Fish and visitors smell after three days.  Also, the worst thing you can say to a choleh is, “You’re going to be okay.”  You’re not the Ribono Shel Olam, you can never say that—you don’t know!  All it means is you’re taking yourself off your guilt trip.  Also don’t say, “Tell me what I can do for you,” it’s not helpful, it’s too general.  Be specific—“Can I take your kids for lunch? Learn with your child at night? Do grocery shopping for your family?”

What should I do if the Choleh can’t have visitors or doesn’t want them?

You have to look at it this way: it’s not you doing the mitzvah for you. The choleh isn’t your lulev or esrog – it’s for him and about him. Rabbi Yakkov Bender’s father was asked to stand guard by his rosh yeshivah’s hospital room, because the doctor said no one should go in, and 20 minutes later Rav Moshe Feinstein came. Rav Moshe said, No problem, there are two mitzvos involved in bikur cholim – to visit and to daven. I’ll stand outside the room and daven.” Yes, the face-to-face connection is important, but bikur means investigate, and you can still be yotzei, to a degree, from a distance, even by phone. If the person or his family doesn’t speak English well, ask if they need an advocate, if the front desk is attentive. You can make calls on his behalf from wherever you are.

As a choleh, who was your most memorable visitor?

One fellow called me after I fell on the second days of Succos. He said, “It’s wonderful what happened to you. Now everyone can talk about how Paysach fell on Succos.” That was an unusual comment, to say the least. I’ve repeated it in speeches, and people stop me on the street and remind me of it.

What does a choleh want to hear?

They want to know someone cares, that the world isn’t just going on without him. When I was a teenager, one of my close friends had mononucleosis. I couldn’t visit him every day, but I’d write him five lines on a postcard every day – things that interested me and I thought would interest him – sports, news, a dvar Torah. He was sick for a year and he had over 250 postcards from me. Fifty years later, he still has them – that’s how much they meant to him now, whenever I go anywhere, I buy postcards to send to cholim. I was just in Greece and I bought 30 in the souvenir shops. Some people buy postcards and hand them to me, they tell me they a chelek in the mitzvah.

Now that medical staffers handle a patient’s health care needs, are there practical things a visitor can do for a choleh?

On the DVD, Rabbi Dovid Weinberger gave an example of someone in his shul who loved classical music, and a visitor brought him a Mozart CD – that shows you’re really thinking about the choleh! Or if you know another person who had the same illness, get the number so the choleh can call for advice and chizuk if he wants. That shows you did research, you’re not just showing your face and getting points for the mitzvah.

At what age can I or should I bring my kid to be mevaker choleh?

For a close relative, there’s almost no age a child shouldn’t be brought. It’s important that they’re there. They know bubby and Zeidy are older and sickly, and they’ll understand that this is part of life. If someone in their class is sick, they should visit if it’s someone random in shul, probably not, and if he has tubes and it’s frightening, maybe not, depends on age and maturity. Of course check if hospital regulations allow kids to visit. You have to be careful about not making a chillul Hashem same reason why you shouldn’t sneak in after hours, otherwise the hospital might get annoyed and not allow any visitors in.

Are there any ways to make visiting more comfortable for kids?

They like to come in groups, but it should be two or three maximum. More is too many. Whatever you do, this is not the time to say,” gather around the choleh, kinderlach, here’s how to do bikur cholim.” If you want to talk about it afterward – say, “you did a big mitzvah” – that’s okay, but no choleh wants to be today’s lesson.

See also "inspirational videos" for the link to the video "How Not To Perform Bikur Cholim"