Parents, Appreciate Your Blessings
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Written by Chaim Spero
Published in Hamodia, May 27 2009
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The Chazon Ish had a custom that whenever a person with special needs walked in, he would stand up out of respect. Asked about this custom, he explained that Hashem puts these special people in the world to give each of us an opportunity to do chessed – Acts of Kindness – and that such people are therefore direct messengers of Hakadosh Baruch Hu and deserve our respect.
How do you act when you encounter people with special needs? Do you stop to see if they need help? Do you stop to talk to their parents, who might be having a hard time? Do you tolerate their loud noises or inappropriate behaviours?
Or do you give them strange looks, talk about them, and wonder what their parents did wrong to deserve such a child? Do you feel uncomfortable in their presence, even resenting it when they are in the same room or the same plane or chas v’shalom at the same simchah as you?
I’m in the first category, I talk to them. I tolerate their inappropriate behaviours. I dress and even clean up after a 13 year old autistic boy. But I assure you that it is not because I have great middos or because there is anything special about me. You see the boy I am talking about is my beautiful son, Ari.
When our son became Barmitzvah, and was called up to the Torah for his first aliyah. Ari is one of thousands of Jewish children who reach this milestone every year, but given the challenges of autism we knew this event would require extensive planning and strategic preparations in order to pull it off in a way that would provide our son with the Jewish experience we wanted for him.
Autism is a complex neurobiological disorder that usually lasts throughout a person’s lifetime. It is a condition that affects one in every 150 people. Autism limits a person’s ability to communicate and relate to others and is associated with rigid routines and repetitive behaviours (such as obsessively arranging objects). Symptoms can range from mild to severe. Ari is quite limited as a result of his autism.
I never would have thought my son would not attend a Jewish school, but Ari needed a specialist program and it took many experts to help him make progress over the years.
As most readers know a Barmitzvah is an occasion for great celebration in shul and many even have the custom of showering the Barmitzvah boy with candy. Friends and family come from far and near to take part in the simchah.
As we began planning for Ari’s great day we realized that his condition would pose a number of potential complications. One of the behavioural characteristics of autism is that a person can easily become over-stimulated. Under certain conditions, even a seemingly insignificant event can cause an autistic child to become stimulated to the point that it takes great efforts to calm him down.
The preparations for Ari’s Barmitzvah began in earnest eighteen months ago. Unless you’ve been exposed to a child with severe autism, you’ll have a difficult time understanding that it took many hundreds of hours just to teach Ari the brachot he would say upon being called up to the Torah. Three close friends invested their time and energy and gave it all they had to prepare him for his special day.
With the potential for so many people in attendance and to avoid over stimulation we thought it would be best for him to be called to the Torah on a weekday with limited fanfare and attention. There were fewer than 15 men gathered in shul for this special event and everything moved along as planned – until the time came for Ari to be called up for his first bracha on the Torah.
Ari was totally fascinated by the Torah scroll on the bimah in front of him, recognizing that it represented thousands of years of our heritage. He stood there totally overwhelmed while the small group waited patiently for him to say the bracha.
But the sight of the Torah and all that it symbolized, even to someone with his limitations, proved to be too much stimulation for Ari. He went blank. All those countless hours of preparation became a memory too distant for him to grasp. Ari forgot every letter of the brachot, and I had to say each one for him to repeat after me.
Why am I sharing the details of Ari’s Barmitzvah? Frankly I have been to too many bar mitzvahs where I have witnessed the disappointment in his son’s not speaking loud enough when he recited his speech or read from the Torah. Worse still are the times I have seen people get upset because some part of the Kiddush didn’t turn out as planned.
My message to parents is to count your blessings – be grateful for the incredible gift Hashem has given you each moment you spend with your child, whether it’s a school play, a ball game, a morning in shul, a bar mitzvah. Learn to appreciate what is truly important.
Raising a child with autism can be emotionally draining, particularly when there are other challenges involved. Yet despite the difficulty of raising an autistic child, I am convinced that any parent can find the love in his or her heart for what is required from such a task. Despite the language barrier, a parent will still know that his or he love is not disappearing into some vacuum, but that it is returned and multiplied a thousand fold.
I know my love for Ari, as his for me, knows no bounds.
When Ari was born 13 years ago Hashem gave me the gift I prayed for. Yes it’s very challenging and sometimes there is sadness, nevertheless I don’t have enough words for to thank Hashem for the great and beautiful child we have. What a source of amazing joy He sent us!
When your child reaches this, or any milestone, make sure you focus on how fortunate you are to have such a gift. Regardless of any challenges that come your way in the course of raising your children, remember that every child is a great blessing. Cherish and celebrate that blessing.
Chaim Spero is the founder and Executive Director of A Parent Speaks amd co-founder of Aish, Minnesota. He currently lectures about his journey with his autistic son and appreciating your blessings. Chaim can be contacted at
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