What’d you say?

By: Chaya Tavin

I was making my way up and down the aisles of the supermarket, pushing a cart with one hand and a stroller with the other. I ran into (almost quite literally) an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while. I asked her how she was doing. Her growing family had just about outgrown their tiny apartment, and she had been trying for months to procure the necessary authorization to build an extra bedroom and porch. She looked more than a bit frazzled, so I urged her to “vent”. I was treated to a ten-minute play-by-play description of her infuriating, and as of yet unsuccessful, attempts to get the right stamps on the right papers. “ The whole system is just retarded!!” she burst out as her grand finale. I smiled sympathetically, and tried very hard not to look at the stroller. The stroller had a sleeping baby in it. A sleeping baby with Down syndrome. She went pale. I didn’t know what to say. If I say, “Don’t worry, I know it’s just an expression” then she knows I noticed. Maybe I can pretend it went right by me. But if I say nothing and she doesn’t think it went right by me, she might go home and tell her husband “You won’t believe what I said to her. I can’t believe I said that. What must she think of me?”

I think of her the same as I thought of her five minutes ago. Very well, thank you. I also think that this particular use of retarded as an expression is a common, if unfortunate, misuse of the word. Just for the record, and those of you who read music (ritard.) or paid attention in science class (BHT retards spoilage) will know this, the word “retard” means slow. Progress and development of people with mental retardation is often slower than that of the general population. It isn’t worse; it’s just slower. To use the word to mean foolish, annoying, senseless, and inefficient is inaccurate, (See, I didn’t say it’s retarded), as well as insulting.

[I had been quite proud of my insights, especially since I was careful to avoid the word retarded even before my son was born. Ask my kids - no one got away with using retarded as an insult in my house. Oh righteous me. Then I thought about my friend. She has a son who is mentally ill. What must she think when I say “I’ve been running around like a madwoman” or “that idea is pure madness, it’ll never work” or “that (fill in your favorite pet peeve) drives me crazy”. I should say “ I am overworked, frazzled, doing too much” “that idea seems impractical” and “that really bothers me.” (I was going to say it gets my goat, but we don’t want to offend any farmers out there.) I agree these expressions may lack the color of the former, but one can easily come up with descriptive terms that are rich in meaning without being inaccurate and insulting to others.

There is another point that needs to be made here. People make choices that result in their being foolish, annoying, senseless, and inefficient. No one chooses to be retarded (or mentally ill). Poor behavior stems from poor middos. Mental retardation and mental illness are from G-d.

I realize that many will jump down my throat for this, so I’ll make your life easier and open wide. Listen. When you call me adjective x, it doesn’t negate the fact that I like to sing, am sometimes funny, enjoy (much to my detriment) chocolate, cried the other day at a bris, and like to make up stories for my kids that end with the princes and princesses going to sleep nicely. In other words, the fact that I am adjective x doesn’t define the totality of my existence. It simply describes one aspect of my personality. If I say that my son is retarded (jump right down now, folks) I am not negating the fact that he has a smile that can melt your heart, that he likes music, that he is extraordinarily clever about getting out of his physical therapy exercises, that he has a sense of humor, and that he loves to cuddle. I am only describing certain limited developmental delays.

Let’s call a spade a spade. If someone has a degree of mental retardation, we need not hide by calling it something else. But let us save those expressions for those whom G-d chose to be in those circumstances, and leave the foolish, annoying senseless and inefficient with their own adjectives.