Mendy’s Bar Mitzvah

By Chana Leah Hershkowitz

I wanted to share this nachas moment with you all.

Some of you may know of my son Mendy, but many of you don't. He is autistic, not on the higher functioning spectrum, but on what they call the 'severe' end, bc he is not verbal and has lots of difficult behaviors - what you would call a 1:1 child. He is also bright, charming, and very smart. When he was 8 years old we did the most difficult and bravest thing a parent can do for their child, and we placed him in the Anderson Center for Autism. We miss him every day; but what Anderson had done with him makes it all worth it.

Yesterday he turned 13. Obviously he wasn't going to have a real bar mitzvah. Parent of special needs kids have done all kinds of bar mitzvahs -- the loud party ones with the Tantzers, a hachnasas sefer torah instead of a bar mitzvah, a small quiet party with family & friends, etc. - but with Mendy living far from home, not tolerating too much stimulation, and not having seen any family members aside from his parents and siblings and occasionally his grandmother) for years, it didn't make sense to do an actual party.

Instead, yesterday my husband and I and our 7 yr old son (my 16 yr old is in yeshiva) visited him at Anderson -- how bashert that the date coincided with the date we went up to the Catskills for the summer!

What happened next astounded me. My husband had quietly packed a white shirt, a pair of tzitzis, an old black hat and his own tefillin - and he put it all on Mendy. I prepared myself for a big physical fight -- no doubt he would rip it all off - but to our astonishment he sat there quietly and cooperated to let his father put all the garments on him and wrap the tefillin. The atmosphere in the room was otherworldly -- it was as if his neshama was telling him to relax and embrace the moment.

I stood there snapping photo after photo; I just couldn't believe we actually have Mendy sitting there in a black hat and tefillin, even though it was for a very brief few seconds. My husband put Mendy's hands on his eyes and said shema with him (and then broke down crying, but of course)!  It was very special.

While this wasn't the bar mitzvah we envisioned 13 years ago, it surpassed anything we imagined five years ago. We are BH very blessed, and thankful to HaShem. Yes, Mendy won't be doing any of the mitzvos of an adult male, but there is so much to celebrate. He has turned into a well-adjusted and happy young man, thanks to amazing folks at Anderson. If someone would've told me, back when  I was so heartbroken that we had to send him to live at Anderson,  that five years later he'd be toilet trained, neat and clean, tall and lean, healthy and happy -- I would've been thrilled.

Boruch HaShem! It's a simcha!