Getting Past Our Grief

Stages of Grief: It's Just a Guideline

From: One Place for Special Needs

Depending on where you are in your life, you may treasure every accomplishment of your child or grieve at every reminder that your child is different.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a pivotal book in 1969 called On Death and Dying. There is a psychological model that grew from that book known as The Five Stages of Grief. It involves the reactions of a person to illness, death or overall loss -- life-changing or altering events.

Kubler-Ross meant for The Five Stages of Grief to serve as a guideline or parameter – not to be taken literally or felt in a sequential order. Each reaction is as unique as the individual experiencing them. Parents may not experience all, but probably at least two of them. They may switch stages or go through two stages at once, while getting stuck in another. They may surface at different times in your family’s life and return you to a state of anxiety, anger or depression.

What are some things that you might think or say to yourself when going through the five stages of grief as a parent of a special needs child?

“Everything is just fine.”
Welcome to the denial stage. This is the stage where there is almost unbelievable shock or understanding that there could possibly be a problem with the perfect vision you have of your life, your child or your future.

“This is YOUR fault!”
The powerful feeling of anger erupts in this stage. No longer believing that everything is fine, you might start blaming circumstances and questioning facts. This is a stage where you feel it is unquestionably unfair that this is actually happening to you.

“I will do anything to change this for her.”
The bargaining phase can be a dangerous phase for some people. You want so much to make life different that you are willing to try or do anything to make the situation and yourself feel better. It can also be a phase of empowerment for a parent to actually try to divert the plan to something new and different. Regardless, there is a sense of desperation and being out of control.

“Why should I even bother?”
The depression phase is where the actual grieving process happens. The feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and sadness are intense. Parents in this stage see no silver lining. There is no happy ending. There is a void.

“I can deal with this.”

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